Rasta bones
Litter the rocks
Jerk scented air
Reggaes the walk
A hungry dog
Is an angry dog
The hum of meat
Vibrates the streets
We wail and gnaw
The Marleybone
S’the Mawgah dawg
We wail and moan
Knives grooving
The alleyways
Steel whets
The appetite
Hurricane Ganja
Tears Babylon’s walls
Gate of Rasta soul
Cries out One Love
Authors and Madpersons: qbit and Jilly
(plus Unindicted Co-Conspirators)
Cool! I’ll be back this evening to write.
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Jerk scented air
Reggaes the walk
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Oooh! Oooh! We’re in Trenchtown!
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Yah, maan!
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A hungry dog
Is an angry dog
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Hmmm… I’l sleep on it
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the hum of meat
vibrates in his jowls
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Hum of meat!!!
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What about “vibrates in the streets”? (assuming we can feel free to make suggestions on each others lines)
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Yes! I struggled with that line. (Exhaustion does not lend itself to creativity this morning.)
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This couplet is brilliant. Exhaustion suits you apparently. I’m going to have to dig deep to keep this moving.
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I have no doubt that you will. After the 11 am NHC upate, sleep is required. We will likely be up most of the night. I’ll check back in a bit.
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We wail and gnaw
The Marleybone
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Oh, I love this last couplet!
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Whew! I thought we needed to open things up into the middle stanzas, but didn’t want to lose the strength of your imagery!
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Once you introduced the dog I zoomed in on that – too much focus. You pulled the lens back to big picture with the ‘vibrates in the streets.’ Now I feel really challenged. Musing…
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S’the Mawgah dawg
We wail and moan
(Which seems fitting since the anniversary of the death of Tosh is tomorrow)
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Cool!!
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BTW, we may need to, uh, find a different first word for the poem and title.
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Why? Is there a reference I’m missing? Or is it that the animal is not on the island? I love the symbolism of it in the context; nocturnal bandit.
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Um. Ponder just a bit longer…
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Should I rethink that last couplet? I’m lost here.
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Your couplet is fine. It is the first word of the poem and the title. We have only intended this poem in a positive light re people of color.
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My mind did not go there at all. Change as needed.
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Yes. I only noticed it a bit ago. Not immediately obvious, but clearly has to change.
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Salamander?
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Ahaha!
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Ok, as a lit teacher I go with the symbolic or with allusions. I’ll leave it to you.
(The misunderstood fire lizard, keeper of dreams and the secret world…)
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Ah, yes. Thinking on it. Might need something feral though.
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Wolf, fox… Keeps the canine theme intact…
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Mulling. Bones *do* present some specific Rasta opportunities. 😀
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My co artist had suggested Rasta Bones…
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Oooh, that could be good!
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Y’all run with it. We have tornados all around us.
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Fook! Stay safe!!
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OK, done, went with Rasta.
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I like it! Writing down our work thus far to work on tech free. Crowding 4 people in a half bath is not fun. Oh, and 2 dogs. Ok for the moment.
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steel whets
the appetite
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Perfect!!!!
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Yeah? (I need to frame that.)
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We’ve got two couplets left, and you are the closer. We got this?
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We got this! (Swapping my empty wine glass with that co-conspirator’s half-full…)
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Ok, here goes…
Hurricane Ganja
Tears Babylon’s walls
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Oooh – lyrics & allusion; so many options here…
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Yep!
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I agree! Let your ego enjoy that… oh, sorry. (LOL)
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Hahaha!
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I currently have 2 versions….
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Ok, let’s take a look.
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gate of Rasta soul
cries out like rocks
or
Rasta soul cries
out at gate of God
(keeping in mind I went to bed at 4:30 this morning…)
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OR if we go with lyrics –
Sharpened razor
cuts the coldest heart
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Co-conspirator suggested
Gate of Rasta Soul
Cries out One Love
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Love it!
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Yes, I think it works. The souls take us back to the bones at the start, the gates have Babylon falling, and Marley tells us of God.
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Babylon’s Walls = Gate of God. It was a return to the opening line that I was striving for, but struggling to nail.
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I think we killed it!!
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Flipping great.
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Posted.
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Down for the count – will look at the big picture tomorrow. We rock!
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Get some sleep mon!
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I admit to being chuffed with Hurricane Ganja, lol!
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From knives grooved through
The alleyways
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Grooved or grooving?
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Grooving
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Yes. That’s better. I really like picking up your hum, vibe and streets with this. The idea is credited to my co-conspirator.
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☺
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Hoping for the best. Stay safe!
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Aw! Thank you! That warms my heart.
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I love the vibe in this!
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Me, too! That first line just begged me to go weird. You and I should give one a try.
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Sounds like fun! I may not be as quick at the turnaround as you seasoned bloggers. Especially now that school is in session.
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What grade do you teach? (We are in week 4, so the dust is starting to settle a bit.)
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Middle school and high school. We just returned this past week.
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I feel your pain! 🙂 The first few weeks are always such a whirlwind!
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This collaboration from the both of you is magnificently pure and so creative. 🙂
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Thanks!! Three more couplets to go!
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You guys are doing a great job and keep on creating and keeping us readers on our feet. 🙂 I’ll be reading and commenting.
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Final couplets are up. Take a look and tell us what you think!
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On my way. 🙂
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You’re right; we killed this!
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I read it again when I woke up and I got goose bumps.
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I agree, second look today and I’m impressed. However, I just wondering if you should consider turning on the heat at your place. 🙂
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Ahahaha!
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I can’t think of anything I want to edit. Do we want to add any ligature — punctuation or continuation words? Or just let each couple punch its own weight? (I’m leaning the latter, but thought I’d ask).
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I’m only looking at it from the persepctive of caps. I run without them on Word, so it isn’t a given…
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They show up automatically when in OneNote, so I stop seeing them. What do you want to change, or if easier to articulate, keep?
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Stick
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Stick??
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Play fetch with the Dawg? With kmives?
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BWA! Let it stand = stick. Don’t change anything. (Fetch isn’t in my vocabulary; my evil dog thinks it means to take it and run the other way.)
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Think maybe “Vibrates the streets”, drop the in. Flows better, stronger. Not that we have a shortage. Also what if the last lines are plural? Gates instead of Gate? It wasn’t just Marley, right? I’m OK as is, just curious.
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Ok, the mawgah dawg reference is about Tosh. Marley died of skin cancer years before that. Tosh & company were ‘excecuted’ by a dude they were helping out, as the story goes. That happened on 9/11 in, I think, the late 80’s. To plural Gate would mean more than one heaven. To plural Soul would be more accurate. Of course, this is art, so go with what flows best.
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Ok, yes. Was more thinking walls/gates. It’s fine as is. What about dropping “in”?
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One wall/gate. if we are going for logic. Drop ‘in’ – I agree.
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OK, dropped “in”. Left the rest as is.
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Cool! Now, about that ‘knives’ Renga…
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Right. Forget about “running with scissors.” That is advice for toddlers.
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haha – Fetching is an adjective.
He didn’t stand a chance
she was as fetching as a boning knife
🙂
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Hahaha! Great. Ouch!!!!
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…playing fetch with knives, however, sounds like a good writing prompt…
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Yes!
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Start a Renga with that, lol…
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