A Donald Barthelme Reader

Where An Online Hot Tub Buying Guide from Popular Mechanics
Is Dazzled by Hollywood's Bright Lights

Cup holders, multicolor LED lights, and removable headrests – budget aside, 
when in the market for a hot tub consider the features most important
for actors to play submarine and avoid their unpaid agents.
The first thing to nail down is how many people 
you’ll generally need to accommodate, including
her bodyguard and Natasha in her gown and streamers.

The majority of options out there are for four to five people 
or six to seven people, so yes, bring the man from accounting
with a face saddened like a porcupine.

But there are a few large models 
that can accommodate eight or more adults:
a couple of cops, the fire chief, the mayor. Maybe you are Gatsby!

As well as extra small hot tubs ideal for two. 
Square inflatable hot tubs
for blackbird-boned lovers who want a quick coo.

Next up is the number of jets. At least 100 jets.
Or should have at least 170 jets. A lot of jets.
Jets are as necessary as a good hero role.

Always check the number of jets 
to ensure you'll get the experience you want –
the shocking welter of water, so peculiar and wonderful.

Check water capacity (measured in gallons) and overall dimensions.
Remember, size is important! 
Please do not gape at the pool boy.

For Shay’s Word Garden

13 thoughts on “A Donald Barthelme Reader

  1. My first laugh was @ the unpaid agent–so good–and there were MANY more after that. I especially liked the bird-boned skinnies cooing. Laughing @ Helen gaping @ the pool boy despite your admonition not to! LOL. Come on over and check out my broken, two-jet hot tub turned old bicycle and lawn tool receptacle. We can talk about the tragic waste of our enormous talent in the face of brainless blockbusters and wretched remakes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Maybe you are Gatsby!” That cracked me up, not that I hadn’t been shamelessly giggling before, losing all my serious poet dignity, such as it is. Some really sharp little lines in this too, above and beyond the humor, like that fifth stanza. I must say, Hollywood will never be quite the same–and I’m with Helen. I feel some scrutiny of the pool boy from under the Ray Bans would be well-rewarded.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like this, QB. A lot. You might moonlight as a Hot Tub seller. “…extra small hot tubs ideal for…” apartment dwellers. Put it in the bathroom or on balcony.
    The pool guy? Ours got married last year. He is 47.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha. You are too funny. 🙂

    I especially loved the Gatsby reference, and these:

    “for blackbird-boned lovers who want a quick coo.”

    “the shocking welter of water, so peculiar and wonderful.”

    Liked by 1 person

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